


Looking away

by Shikku



Category: Bandom, Panic At The Disco, Young Veins
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-17
Updated: 2011-09-17
Packaged: 2017-10-23 19:51:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/254220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shikku/pseuds/Shikku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spencer is used to giving Ryan what he wants. Ryan is used to Spencer giving him what he wants. It is just the way they work. Spencer is Ryan's best friend, family, rock. Solid and steady as the beat of his drums.</p><p>But not even Spencer can give him Jon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Looking away

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the hc_bingo square minor illness

Ryan learned over the years to recognize what he could and couldn't get, what he should and shouldn't want. There are times when he's wrong but those are few and far apart. For those times he has Spencer to push him in the right direction or get him what he wants.

Spencer is used to giving Ryan what he wants. Ryan is used to Spencer giving him what he wants. It is just the way they work. Spencer is Ryan's best friend, family, rock. Solid and steady as the beat of his drums.

But not even Spencer can give him Jon.

*

To be honest, not even Ryan had any idea he wanted Jon until Brendon came up with a brilliant idea that Ryan should do all their make-up.

Spencer rolled his eyes and continued flipping the pages of some magazine, Brendon pouted at him and Jon just shrugged his shoulders. Ryan went to get his make-up.

The thing that baffles Ryan the most is that he had seen Jon while he was still with TAI, he had spent enough time with Jon to like him and like him enough to want him in the band. All that and there was never a moment of such pure want that he felt when he knelt next to Jon on the couch, cupping his chin in one hand to hold his head steady, feeling the prickling of the beard under his palm. He could see every shade of brown and gold in Jon's eyes, could feel the warmth of his breath across his lips and Ryan got hard so fast he was dizzy with it.

When he was done Ryan went to his bunk to hide.

*

It had gotten better. Or rather, Ryan had gotten better at looking away from Jon. He doesn't want wanting Jon to change anything or at least not as much as it could because the band is more important than his one-sides crush on Jon. Because it is more than physical. Ryan wants everything even though he knows he's not going to get it. It doesn't stop him, though.

Ryan goes to the clubs whenever he can, gets drunk and then finds a pretty boy with full lips and dark eyes to fuck. It makes him feel even worse, makes him feel cheap, makes him feel like he's cheating on Jon, but it doesn't make him stop. He doesn't want to.

Other times when the want becomes to strong, when Ryan is irritable and lost, he goes to Spencer's bunk and lets Spencer calm him down. Spencer doesn't say anything even though he wants to because there isn't really anything he can say but point out the obvious.

Brendon doesn't say anything either, which is a surprise and Ryan thanks him by way of cuddles and milkshakes.

*

They are in the middle of the tour when Ryan wakes up with a slightly sore throat, blocked nose and feeling more tired than when he went to bed. The bus isn't moving so he feels confident he can get up and make himself a cup of tea without hurting himself, before napping on the couch for the rest of the day. It's a hotel night so he only has to survive the day and the show and he'll be safe. Right.

Getting out of his bunk is a bigger problem than Ryan thinks it should be. Which means this isn't the first sign of the damned cold, he was just too distracted to notice. He sighs and then coughs, a dry, choking cough that leaves him aching and fuck, this is worse than he thought.

There is a sound outside his bunk and then there's Spencer is there, frowning down at him.

"I'll get you some tea," he says and disappears before Ryan can even open his mouth to speak. Not that he would because even breathing is a challenge at this point. He closes his eyes and tries to relax. He doesn't feel like he has a fever, which is a blessing. It means it's just a cold and he'll get over it in a couple of days. Also, he is playing tonight.

Ryan doesn't realize he is asleep until he feels the bed dip and a hand touching his face and he forces his eyes to open to see Jon is right there, his hand checking for a fever.

"I bring tea and meds," Jon informs him and yes, there is a big mug in the hand that isn't still touching Ryan, cradling the back of his head and massaging gently.

Ryan makes himself sit up and ignore Jon's touch, no matter how much he wants it. He's good at that.

He drinks his tea , enjoying the way the heat is numbing, soothing the scratching in his throat. It also makes it easier to breathe and take the meds when Jon hands them over, washing them down with another sip of tea. Then he leans back and closes his eyes, focuses on the sound of Jon's breathing, it's calm, steady rhythm. Jon.

"You okay?" Jon asks and it's a stupid question since Ryan is so obviously sick, only not that stupid because Jon had learned that with Ryan he had to ask for the details to know anything that wasn't music related.

Ryan doesn't open his eyes, just takes another sip of his tea. "Just tired. And my throat hurts. Everything kind of hurts," Ryan answers honestly and Jon doesn't say anything else, takes his mug when he's done with the tea and then helps him lie down before stretching out next to him. Ryan would protest, maybe, but he's already asleep.

*

The show is pure torture. The pounding in his head that had disappeared after the pills and the nap with Jon returns with a vengeance when he gets to the stage and is faced with the flashing lights and the noise. He also isn't supposed to sing but it's a reflex by now and when the show is over Ryan is dizzy, his throat makes it near impossible to swallow and the headache is making him nauseous.

Ryan makes it off the stage without too much problem. At least without tripping over the cables and falling flat on his face. Once the fans can't no longer see him Ryan sways and reaches for a wall to steady himself, but leans against something solid but warm and slightly wet. He looks and finds that something is actually Jon and relaxes. He shouldn't, it's Jon, but it's Jon and Ryan is sick, so he lets himself be taken wherever. His own thoughts make no sense right now.

Ryan can hear conversation, familiar voices and his name, but he hurts too fucking much and is afraid he's going to puke if he opens his mouth and just focuses on putting one foot in front of the other.

The next time Ryan is actually forced to focus is when he finds himself in a hotel room, leaning back against the closed hotel room door and watching Jon go to the bathroom. His fingers twitch with the desire to stop Jon from leaving, but then Jon is coming back a moment later holding a glass of water. And pills. Ryan doesn't ask what the pills are for, just puts them in his mouth, one by one, and washes them down water that is almost warm.

"Come on Ry. Time for bed," Jon murmurs and leads him to one of the beds. He slowly and carefully undresses Ryan and Ryan wishes he could enjoy it, but he is too sick to, so he lets the thought go and when Jon helps him to the bed he just obeyes and is asleep before his head even touches the pillow.

*

When he wakes up Ryan is way too hot and he coughs up what feels like a lung, but he can actually breathe after. It's only then that he realizes that he's not alone in bed and the reason he's hot is because there is a body pressed against his back. He doesn't have the strength to turn around and see who it is because he is so fucking tired and he can feel the dull ache behind his eyes that tells him he'll have another headache soon, though he does remember Jon undressing him. Kind of.

Ryan groans and immediately regrets it when it hurts his throat. he also manages to sit up because he has to go to the bathroom to brush his teeth and maybe shower. He wants to feel at least half-human again.

When he finally manages to get up, Ryan looks back and it's Jon in bed with him and where the fuck is Spence? And oh, shit, bathroom.

After washing his hands and brushing his teeth Ryan doesn't even realize he is standing in the middle of the bathroom, staring at the shower until Jon comes knocking.

"Ry? You okay?"

"I... Not really." It's not precisely true. He's okay, as much as he can be with a cold, but he wants a shower he is to tired to take, so he's feeling sorry for himself. He hears the door open behind him but he can't move, just stands there and stares at the temptation.

"Jesus, Ry," Jon sighs fondly and Ryan shrugs awkwardly.

"I want a shower. But I'm too tired," Ryan explains and still just stands there while Jon huffs out a laugh and going around Ryan heads for the shower, turning the water on. "Jon? Are you taking a shower?" Ryan asks when he sees Jon take off his shirt and Jon laughs again, thankfully staying in his boxers.

"No. You are. And I'm helping," Jon explains patiently and Ryan doesn't get it until his boxers are pulled off and he's standing under the spray, water a bit hotter than he likes it, but he can feel the sweat of the cold and the show wash off. He groans in relief and braces himself against the wall. He also jumps when he feels Jon's hands on him and turns his head around so fast he feels something in his neck crack.

"What--" he asks because Jon in the shower with him is something out of his fantasies and Ryan is not completely sure he isn't hallucinating. It's been known to happen when he's sick.

Jon doesn't answer, just reaches for the shampoo and gets his fingers in Ryan's hair. It's perfection and Ryan stops thinking, just lets himself enjoy the feeling of someone else's - Jon's - hands massaging his scalp and washing out the grease and the sweat and sickness. Jon moves him, rinses out his hair and then takes a sponge, one that Ryan always carries with him because it's a real, natural sponge and it feels fucking amazing on the rare opportunities they actually have the time to shower, and starts washing his back thoroughly. They don't speak even if Ryan is confused as to why it isn't Spence taking care of him.

He isn't surprised when Jon moves down and washes his legs then turns him around, leans him back against the cold tiles for support and starts in on his front, because Jon is nothing if not thorough.

Ryan just watches him, the focused frown, the way he's biting his lower lip, the way droplets of water catch in his beard. He doesn't allow his eyes to go any lower than Jon's throat, doesn't let his mind stick to the thought of what it would feel like if there is no sponge, just Jon's fingers on his skin. It's pointless to think like that and it only makes the need for Jon sharper.

When Jon decides Ryan is clean enough he makes quick work of cleaning himself since he's already there and Ryan leans back and closes his eyes, opening them only when Jon shuts the water off. He is helped out of the shower and Jon towels him off, focusing on getting his hair as dry as possible before leading him back to the room where he pulls on a pair of boxers and a shirt on Ryan before putting him back to bed. Ryan settles in while Jon changes and dries himself off.

They have a few more hours before they have to be back on the bus and Ryan enjoys this, Jon's closeness and a real bed. Just this once.

*

Ryan is more himself the next time he wakes up, though he still coughs and his throat is scratchy. Jon isn't in the room and Ryan doesn't know what to think about that - a constant when it comes to Jon - so he gets up and goes to take another shower just because he can. He washes himself quickly and then reaches down and wraps a hand itself around his dick, stroking slowly. He goes through every hazy memory of Jon washing him, touching him, but the one memory that pushes him over the edge is the one of Jon wrapping himself around Ryan when they went to sleep, face pressed against the nape of Ryan's neck and the feel of his hot breath against his skin. He stays under the spray until he gets tired of standing, then dries himself enough to prevent dripping on the floor.

When he enters the room Jon and Spencer are talking quietly and there's breakfast. Brendon must still be sleeping. Ryan heads for the table, intent on tea and something to eat that won't hurt his throat when a towel lands on his head. He jumps and Jon starts toweling off his hair, muttering about idiots who can't take care of themselves. Ryan keeps quiet because it's true and he doesn't have to look at Spencer to know he's laughing at them.

*

Ryan would forget all about that night and Jon taking care of him if it didn't continue.

The sheets on his bunk are clean when he gets back on the bus and when Ryan asks Brendon just shrugs and tells him Jon did it and then makes him take his medicine and cuddle.

There's always hot tea, just the way Ryan likes it and Jon doesn't mid getting up and refilling his cup.

It's things like that that make it impossible to ignore Jon, to go back to pretending he wants nothing beyond being friends and band mates. To look away.

*

They are in the middle of the show two days later and it's amazing. Brendon's voice sounds better than ever, Spencer is constantly grinning and Ryan can't help the way his eyes keep looking for Jon, can't help smiling at Jon. What makes it even better is the way Jon looks and smiles back.

It's over too quickly, just like all of the perfect shows are. Ryan is last of the stage because he doesn't want to let go of the feeling so he is unprepared for Jon hugging him. He gasps in surprise but hugs back after a heartbeat because nobody gives hugs like Jon. He is also unprepared for the way Jon buries a hand in Ryan's hair before pulling him in for a kiss.

It's more a chaste press of lips than a real kiss but it's Jon and Ryan can't resist pressing into it. It's enough for Jon, obviously, because there is nothing chaste about the way Jon's tongue licks at Ryan's lips, asking permission. Ryan opens his mouth and now it is a real kiss. He moans into it and it's not perfect. They are both too high on the show, it's messy and clumsy and Ryan can't stop thinking about what it means, if anything.

When they separate Ryan keeps his eyes closed until he feels a quick close mouthed kiss and Jon steps back, smiling, takes his hand and leads him to the dressing room.

Ryan follows without a word because he doesn't know what to say.

*

It is impossible not to think about the kiss.

Ryan thinks about it every time Jon smiles or bites his lip or talks or breathes. He can still taste Jon, the mint he ate before the show, the sweet drink.

The problem is that Ryan can't figure out what the kiss meant. He thinks it was just the heat of the moment, but he can't be sure, because Jon never kissed Spencer of Brendon after the show. As far as he knows. And that thought doesn't make him settle down even though he knows Spencer would tell him. He knows he's twitchy and irritable, but he can't exactly help it and it takes Spencer a full day to get tired of waiting for Ryan to talk to him and corners him after a show.

"Ry, what the fuck?" Spencer sounds tired, not angry and Ryan has to fight the desire to shrink in on himself because he hates making Spencer sound like that. "You've been snapping at everyone and it's getting old," Ryan keeps quiet, but Spencer knows to wait him out so in the end he sighs and confesses.

"Jon kissed me."

"And?"

"And nothing," Ryan shrugs."He kissed me, I kissed back and we went back to the dressing room."

"And?" Spencer repeats, looking at him pointedly.

"Nothing." Ryan had long ago learned how to keep his tone flat and uninterested even when his heart threatened to jump out of his chest, but Spencer knows all of his tricks.

"Jesus. I'm dealing with idiots. Talk to Jon."

"It was just a kiss." Ryan feels the need to point this out. Even if it is a lie.

"If it was just a kiss, you wouldn't be freaking out. Talk. To. Jon. Trust me." Spencer says and Ryan sighs again.

"Okay," Ryan agrees.

"Okay."

*

Actually talking to Jon proves a bigger challenge than Ryan thought, which is a wonder considering they are stuck on a bus together but the opportunity for a talk doesn't present itself. Or maybe Ryan is too much of a coward to just drag Jon into the back lounge and talk.

Jon still brings Ryan tea, like he's afraid Ryan will get sick again. He massages Ryan's hand when it cramps up after he's spent hours writing. But the thing Ryan starts to notice is how Jon does it without thinking, how Brendon doesn't even react to it, how Spencer keeps sending Ryan knowing looks. Apparently Ryan had spent too much time looking away, so he starts looking at Jon.

He stares at his lips and wants to kiss them, stares at his fingers and wants them in his mouth, stares at Jon's chest and wants to lick and bite and mark.

Jon looks back but his looks are questioning and confused and hopeful.

Ryan smiles.

*

Ryan waits until they have another hotel night, then switches rooms so that he gets to share with Jon. He drops his bag, strips to his boxers because he's all sweaty and hot and settles to wait.

He doesn't have a plan beyond "get Jon" and he's tense, because he doesn't want the band to suffer if it doesn't work out between them, doesn't want to risk the friendship with Jon. Except for how he does. Ryan realized he has to risk something in order to get something better.

Jon comes in ten minutes later and pauses at the door, looking confused. He says "Oh. Okay," and drops his bag at the foot of the bed before he starts stripping. Ryan stares, because Jon taking off his clothes is a gorgeous sight and he doesn't realize he's moving until he's standing right in front of Jon who is staring at him, puzzled.

"Ry?"

Jon is frowning and Ryan knows he should say something, anything, but in the end it is easier to just lean in and kiss him. For a single, terrifying moment he is afraid Jon wont kiss back, but then the lips under his own part and Jon grabs him by the back of the neck, pulling him closer.

This kiss is perfect. Messy and hard and Ryan isn't thinking about anything beyond the logistics of getting them naked. Jon breaks the kiss and has to pull Ryan by the hair to keep him from following. Ryan makes himself stop and open his eyes and they stare at each other. He has no fucking clue just what it is that Jon sees in his face, but he doesn't care when Jon breathes "Finally. Ryan," before going back to kissing. Ryan had always thought Jon's kisses would be careful, slow and thorough, just like Jon himself, but in reality the kisses are hard, determined and Ryan lets Jon have all the control.

Jon's hands are everywhere, touching, pinching his nipples, leaving scratches and bruises on his skin. Ryan has never been so turned on. His own hands are clutching at Jon's shoulders, unable to let go.

"Jon. Jon, please," he gasps out between kisses.

"Please what?"

"Anything. Just. Please."

Jon kisses him again, short and dry, before pushing him toward and down on the bed. Then he just stands there and looks at Ryan, starting with his feet, going to his cock and licking his lips which makes it twitch and Ryan moan, and then up to Ryan's lips. Then he turns around and goes for his bag, searching for something and returns with a bottle of lube and condoms. Standing at the foot of the bed he gives Ryan a small, unsure smile. Ryan smiles back and lies back on the bed, spreading his legs. Jon moans, drops the lube and condoms somewhere and finishes stripping.

The second Ryan sees Jon's dick his mouth waters and he needs to be fucked. His mouth, his ass. He needs. He just needs.

Jon says "I want to fuck your mouth," and Ryan has to grab his dick and fight not to come, nodding, but Jon then adds "Next time, though. Now I want to fuck you. Make you scream for me." And he is still just standing there, watching Ryan.

Ryan believes in the power of words, he knows how important they are so he repeats "Please. Please Jon." and Jon doesn't make him wait anymore, instead settles himself between Ryan's legs and leans in for another kiss. Ryan reaches for him, just because he can, and pulls him down. Their cocks brush and suddenly things are frantic and desperate. They thrust against each other, swallowing each other's moans, but it's not enough. Ryan wants it all.

"Jon. In me. Now." he orders and a moment later there are slick fingers pushing in, two at once, and Ryan hisses at the sting but pushes against them, trying to get them in deeper because he can take it. Soon two are three and Jon makes quick work of it. There will be time for going slow. Ryan whines when the fingers disappear, but Jon kisses him quiet as he fumbles with the condom.

The feel of Jon's cock as it enters him is perfection. Ryan feels stretched and full and the pain makes it even better. And it's Jon, who pauses when he's fully inside, panting hotly against Ryan's collarbone, his grip where he's holding Ryan's legs up near painful.

"Move. Move," Ryan rasps. He would say it the third time, but Jon chooses that exact moment to move and the only thing Ryan can do is moan and whimper and clutch. Jon's rhythm is fast and hard from the beginning and Ryan loves it. He can't stop talking, endless stream of 'Jon', 'harder', 'yes', 'finally', 'yes', 'please', 'Jon', 'Jon', 'Jon'.

He does scream as he comes without touching himself when Jon bites at his shoulder and doesn't feel but hears when Jon comes, a surprised shout that echoes around the room. Jon is heavy on him but Ryan doesn't make him move, just hides his face against Jon's neck and breathes. He falls asleep like that.

*

Ryan wakes up warm, spooning Jon and with a mouthful of hair. He spits it out but doesn't move, breathing in Jon and sex and sweat. Ryan has little doubt they will have to talk, but right now he just pulls Jon closer and sleeps some more.


End file.
